the school halls
that usually echoed with our laughter
seem empty without you.
and as i walk through them
I'm met with
i'm usually invisible in these halls,
always invisible next to you,
but today everyone sees me
because i was your best friend,
the best friend of the luminous girl
who is now dead.
"it should have been you,"
someone cruelly remarks.
he point to my face accusingly,
"you're not crying, you don't even look sad,
what's wrong with you?"
i contemplate his statement.
maybe there is something wrong with me
and maybe i should be feeling sad
and maybe i should be remembering you.
but i just want to forget.
forget your brown doe eyes,
forget your brilliant smile,
forget your laugh,
forget that you hung yourself in your bedroom closet 3:00 A.M yesterday morning,
and forget that maybe i could have helped you,
that maybe i could have prevented your death,
that maybe we could have had years and years more together.
but then i feel angry,
because what could i have actually done
without you telling me what was going on with you?
why didn't you confide in me?
i could have helped you!
i would have been there for you!
should i have noticed something was up
without you telling me?
is that what i was supposed to do?
i don't understand.
am i a bad person for not noticing?
should i have noticed?
you wanted me to notice, right?
what about my rage, my thoughts?
am i a bad person for feeling angry,
for feeling confused?
i don't know.
all i know is what i see as i roam the school halls,
anger as he punches his locker,
sadness as she cries in the courtyard,
guilt as he fidgets around,
biting his fingernails,
tears welling in his eyes.
and i know that you weren't okay.
and i know that we all wonder what we could have done to save you.
So, that was just a poem that I wrote that I wanted to share. (The inspiration for the poem came from some different books/television shows.)
I hope that you are all enjoying the holidays :-)